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Here Am I

Here Am I

I didn’t even know if I would be able to sign in here. Of course, thanks to the genius of technology all my passwords are saved. What to say. What to say.

I don’t know that I’ve ever been so lost or so found. This self reliance is a new thing. I’ve always wanted a protector. Now I see I never had one. Maybe I gave so much of myself to others I believed they would protect me because of it. Did I think myself so indispensable? That they were so addicted to me or loved me so well that surely they’d take my hand? I think I’ve been absorbed. It’s like I don’t know how to exist outside those parameters. Oh, for a quiet mind…

I am my mother

I am writing this on December 1. Today is my mother’s birthday. She would have been 93 today. I hadn’t seen her for years when she died, even though she wanted to see me. I couldn’t make the leap again. Every time I relented and bit the bullet, I was sorry. Today, I’m missing my mother a little.

Last night I was looking in the mirror. I see my mother in there. I think of the life she lived. How she created her own heartbreak, and then lamented the heartbreak. How adverse attention was better than none.Then I realize I am my mother. I am her, warts and all. The very thing I didn’t want to become, I am.

I’ve been sitting with this for a while. There’s just so much to know. About life, about parenthood. Everything has nuance. For me here, it’s a bit like eating crow. The thing about my mother was that she never sought help for her mental health. She never tried to change her thinking patterns. Never questioned her motivations. She was lonely. I know that now. She loved imperfectly. Just like I do.

Those watery blue eyes in the mirror, they see me for who I am. They have held a lot of judgement and contempt oftentimes, but I didn’t see that as self sabotage. I was just being me. One day though, I found something unexpected in the mirror. Compassion. For me. Forgiveness. For me. Acceptance of myself as just a human being, and maybe a place of insight that I am still a work in progress. I am. I work on myself everyday. I do it for me alone. No one knows what I need more than me.

I am not my mother, but I am her daughter. For me, my daughters are my motivation, because I never want them to have to write about things like this. My relationships with them are intact. My bond with them never stronger. Years and tears, peeling away the onion layers. Worth every second. I’m still missing my mom. But the one thing I never wanted to be was a mom like her. With a lot of work and a lot of love, I have become the mother I always needed. I’ll always be a mama bear about my girls, and I cannot apologize for that because it will never change. Seeing them live their own lives, on their own terms, with more guts, mental strength, and confidence than ten grown men gifts me such a full heart. It’s a beautiful place to be.

Blue Heron ~ Self Reflection

Heron medicine is the power of knowing the self by discovering its gifts and facing its challenges. It is the ability to accept all feelings and opinions without denying any emotion or thought.  Heron flies over those who are unaware of who they are and where they belong in the world.  Gently dropping a blue feather to them, Heron asks that they follow their intuition and begin the empowering journey of self-realization.

If the great Blue Heron has flown into your cards today, it is urging you to dive into the watery world of feelings to seek your truth.  Heron teaches you to develop your self-reflective skills so that you may come to know yourself in an intimate way.  Looking at yourself through the filmy lens of self-importance, the cloudy perceptions of low self-worth, or the myopic eyes of self-pity, you will never understand your true potential or appreciate the opportunities that appear.

Heron asks that you examine yourself with a cold eye to see what you wish to improve and how you want to change.  If you get stuck in the process, it may be a sign that you are being too hard or critical.  Choosing to blame others and constantly pointing a finger at life’s situations, instead of claiming responsibility for your actions, shows that you lack the courage to face the enemy within.

Heron medicine people are willing to look at themselves and see the truth of their motives, actions, feelings, dreams, goals, inner strengths, and inner weaknesses.  In balancing those truths, Heron’s medicine shows you how to meet the challenges of your personal weaknesses and how to continue developing the skills that lead to inner strength and certainty of purpose.

Are you willing to dive into the watery depths of your own feelings and discover the role of your spiritual essence?  Heron is now calling you to delve deeper, to know yourself, and to trust your path.  Like the Phoenix, who rises from its own ashes, Heron emerges from the unseen worlds of spirit into a new balanced sense-of-self in order to embrace its potential again and again.

The magnificence of your human spirit lies waiting for the joy of discovery if you are courageous enough to follow the Waterbird throughout the journey.  Heron reminds  you that every traveler on life’s journey is a messenger, and that every destination is the beginning of a new life cycle on the Medicine Wheel.

CONTRARY:

Surprise! It may be time to come up for air if Heron arrives in the contrary.  Too much self-reflection can lead to self-obsession or a morbid sense of humor.  If you have been looking within and criticizing yourself, watch out! It is imprudent to drown the sense of joy that usually accompanies the journey of self-discovery.  You may have assumed the attitude that perfection is desirable.  That may be what advertisers sell you, but that attitude leaves no room to be human.  Oops!  You learn some of your most valuable lessons through your mistakes.   Wouldn’t life be boring if everyone was a plastic clone of an ideal human?

Contrary Heron also reminds you that self-improvement is best accomplished by balancing the desire to change with gentle discernment.  There are many layers of truth to understand, and wholeness is impossible to attain in one dive. You do belly flops when you become judgmental, rigid, and flat.  Diving deeply into your feelings, you may emerge renewed.  But, being too critical, merely floating on top of the water, you will callously break your spirit in the process.  Heron reminds you to dive deeply, but do not hold your breath while waiting for instant or total enlightenment. If you do not resurface for air, the collective feelings of humanity and the infinite depth of eternity can drown you.

You may purchase “Medicine Cards: The Discovery of Power Through the Ways of Animals” here

Gone

That pretty much sums it up…

Keep Your Eyes on the Road

This morning as I drove to work, I saw a sign on a pasture fence that read, “Now Boarding, Equestrian Facility” or something like that. I drive by it every day. There are horses in the pasture, with barn type buildings in the distance. It’s beautiful and peaceful.

As I glanced over, I thought to myself, “I can’t wait until I can afford to have horses.” And as I glanced back at the road, I heard the sound of my tires hitting the grids from the road’s edge notifying me that I was drifting left, onto the shoulder. I quickly corrected, and thought to myself, “Stay on the road.” And it seemed that was the answer to my mental thought. Someday I’ll have horses. Yeah… okay… just stay on the road you’re on. No time for horses.

I firmly believe that one day my road will lead to a horse or a horse farm, where a few horses can graze on green grass, safe from slaughter.  Even if they are just pasture ornaments – that’s fine with me. I do believe that will happen – but I do not see a means to that end right now. My hands are full, and kind of bound by the present moment. I can only keep doing what I am doing. Continuing on the road I’m on. My chosen path. The one that leads to me.

I can’t wait until I can afford to have horses. But it looks like wait, I will.

For The Love of Money….

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I don’t know why it is, but I don’t care about money.  I am happy to help out where I can if someone needs money, even to my own detriment.  But the truth is, I am not about money. And maybe that’s why I don’t have any. LOL!

The money will come. It always does.

The money will go. It always does.

In the meantime, this is a great tune to dance to… so I’m gonna do that…

Have a beautiful day. Money or not.

Peace.

Once upon a time, there was a crazy girl…

…and she found herself in the middle of a swirl of unexpected things.  She tried to muddle through. She kept moving her feet, and the rest of her, but she seemed to be getting nowhere.  Since this wasn’t working, she decided to stop moving her feet, and the rest of her, and just BE.

Whatever would come, would come.  And she would deal with it then.  In the meantime, she decided to back away slowly and keep her head down.  Self preservation is important. Serenity is important. Mindfulness is important.  So she decided to move slowly and wait for everything to fall into place… like it always does. She was so grateful she remembered that part.

And then she felt better.

The Beginning

Ready to run away??

Sounds like a good option sometimes. Especially when things are coming at you faster than you can duck.  You just want it to stop, to go away, to disappear.  And that’s what I want.. I want all this shit to go away.  But it won’t. …and I won’t either.

As hard as things are right now, and they are pretty freaking sucky, I don’t want to run away. I want to stand and face the fire. Because there is no one else to do this.  This mountain of bullshit that is right in front of me is not going away. I’m going to have to shovel that shit.  Yes, the whole fabulous mountain of it.  And know what?  I’m gonna.

This thing is not going away.  If I want it to disappear, I’m going to have to do the work.  And I want to do the work! Because I can’t leave it like it is, and there is no one else.  And someone has to do it. And I know that I can.  I want to see what it looks like without the mountain.

Mountain-Free. It’s what I’m gonna be.

Cheers.
Here’s to mountains, surmountable and otherwise.
Here’s to peace, found on the other side.

I’m not running away…

There are people who need me…  ❤ and I love them…

CUT! Retake! This time act like you mean it!

It’s hard to be your best in a spontaneous moment.  We aren’t always thinking about our performance on life’s stage. We are thinking of survival in the moment.  We do not think of how others may feel. We think of our immediate motivation.

Recently I have been watching a drama unfold, and mentally screaming “NOOOOOOOO!!!” ..to no avail.  The hits just keep coming.  It’s similar to how we “lost” poor Jon Snow at the end of Season 5.  Alas, he’s but a character in a book, and of course on HBO.  But these “actors” I’m referring to on life’s stage are facing inevitable conclusions, set in motion by their own hands.  Like being on a train headed for a section where the track has been removed. The train WILL derail when it gets there.  I think I would have had to exit prior to then if given the opportunity.

We always have the opportunity to make changes, but the opportunity must be seized.  OPPORTUNITY DOESN’T KEEP KNOCKING!  We may be players on a world stage, but we are designing many of the scenes years in advance.  If you don’t like the scene you’re in, then it’s up to you to make the decisions and choices necessary to end up in a different scene.  But the time to make that change is NOW.

Choices matter.  They affect everyone around you.  Don’t kid yourself. You are choosing the scenes of your life tomorrow, with the actions you take today.