Keep Your Eyes on the Road

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This morning as I drove to work, I saw a sign on a pasture fence that read, “Now Boarding, Equestrian Facility” or something like that. I drive by it every day. There are horses in the pasture, with barn type buildings in the distance. It’s beautiful and peaceful.

As I glanced over, I thought to myself, “I can’t wait until I can afford to have horses.” And as I glanced back at the road, I heard the sound of my tires hitting the grids from the road’s edge notifying me that I was drifting left, onto the shoulder. I quickly corrected, and thought to myself, “Stay on the road.” And it seemed that was the answer to my mental thought. Someday I’ll have horses. Yeah… okay… just stay on the road you’re on. No time for horses.

I firmly believe that one day my road will lead to a horse or a horse farm, where a few horses can graze on green grass, safe from slaughter.  Even if they are just pasture ornaments – that’s fine with me. I do believe that will happen – but I do not see a means to that end right now. My hands are full, and kind of bound by the present moment. I can only keep doing what I am doing. Continuing on the road I’m on. My chosen path. The one that leads to me.

I can’t wait until I can afford to have horses. But it looks like wait, I will.

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For The Love of Money….

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I don’t know why it is, but I don’t care about money.  I am happy to help out where I can if someone needs money, even to my own detriment.  But the truth is, I am not about money. And maybe that’s why I don’t have any. LOL!

The money will come. It always does.

The money will go. It always does.

In the meantime, this is a great tune to dance to… so I’m gonna do that…

Have a beautiful day. Money or not.

Peace.

Once upon a time, there was a crazy girl…

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…and she found herself in the middle of a swirl of unexpected things.  She tried to muddle through. She kept moving her feet, and the rest of her, but she seemed to be getting nowhere.  Since this wasn’t working, she decided to stop moving her feet, and the rest of her, and just BE.

Whatever would come, would come.  And she would deal with it then.  In the meantime, she decided to back away slowly and keep her head down.  Self preservation is important. Serenity is important. Mindfulness is important.  So she decided to move slowly and wait for everything to fall into place… like it always does. She was so grateful she remembered that part.

And then she felt better.

The Beginning

Ready to run away??

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Sounds like a good option sometimes. Especially when things are coming at you faster than you can duck.  You just want it to stop, to go away, to disappear.  And that’s what I want.. I want all this shit to go away.  But it won’t. …and I won’t either.

As hard as things are right now, and they are pretty freaking sucky, I don’t want to run away. I want to stand and face the fire. Because there is no one else to do this.  This mountain of bullshit that is right in front of me is not going away. I’m going to have to shovel that shit.  Yes, the whole fabulous mountain of it.  And know what?  I’m gonna.

This thing is not going away.  If I want it to disappear, I’m going to have to do the work.  And I want to do the work! Because I can’t leave it like it is, and there is no one else.  And someone has to do it. And I know that I can.  I want to see what it looks like without the mountain.

Mountain-Free. It’s what I’m gonna be.

Cheers.
Here’s to mountains, surmountable and otherwise.
Here’s to peace, found on the other side.

I’m not running away…

There are people who need me…  ❤ and I love them…

Worth the wait…

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Happy first day of “back to work: the January edition” and all that entails.  I am looking forward to this year. Why? Well, why not?  I’m here. Might as well make the best of it.

Did you get that?  Make the BEST of it?  I think that’s my plan. I won’t be striving for perfectionism, but I will do my best to be on my game and keep up.  Please join me in the annual crossing of the fingers.

So this past Saturday, January 3, I met my nephew, Alex, for the first time.  My youngest sister gave birth to him at 18, and a wonderful family in New York became his parents. I must admit that I was apprehensive about this meeting.  I mean, what if he didn’t like me?  Well, actually, I’m not sure he felt one way or the other about me, but it was a great day for me.  And seriously, a real gift.

The best thing about the gift of Alex was the fact that he was born –  and also that he is a handsome, intelligent, and thoughtful man. We spent a few hours together, getting acquainted. His parents are truly lovely people and I liked them immensely! In my heart I honestly believe that they were the perfect parents for Alex, and they have been there for him through ups and downs, good and bad, challenges and triumphs.

I just thought to say that I am proud of Alex. And then I thought that really I should be proud of his parents, because they are the ones that did the real work of raising him. And then I realized that the person of whom I am most proud, is my sister.  She made a very grown up decision when she chose to give him life. It was a great decision. He’s a great kid.

I hope to be able to stay in contact with Alex, though much of that will be up to him.  I am all too happy to do my part. It was worth the wait of so many years to finally know him. It’s one of those things where you don’t know how much something means until years later.

The decisions we make today will have repercussions for many years to come. The one thing I do believe, is that good things DO come to those who wait. Even though I am not good at the waiting, time flies by and the future will be here before we know it. I am prepared to wait for the good, which always seems to come when the time is right.

Last night on Earth, Part II

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So my previous post was about me deciding to live my life like it was my last night on Earth.  We went out to a small neighborhood restaurant/bar near where my husband grew up. We met up with the bass player’s wife and hung out with her while the band played.  My husband saw a number of other friends he knew there as well.

We hung out with another couple that are very good friends also.  There was a lot of laughter, good food, good music, good friends.  So much GOOD.  We shared triumphs and sorrows. We caught up on each others’ lives.  We applauded a lot because they are a talented group of players.

Through all this I did not think about what I had to do tomorrow.  I didn’t remember attitudes of unkindness I had experienced.  I was focused solely on my friends, enjoying their company. Laughing, smiling, talking, telling jokes.  Right there in the moment where everything came together. I made eye contact.  I paid attention and listened more, as if I might never hear their voices again. I drank in their faces and features. Saw the inner beauty of each, fully flawed and fully perfect. I heard the tones and qualities of their voices.  Relished the way their faces would light up in spontaneous joy at a shared witticism. I saw them as the treasures they are. I spent time with very dear friends, and my incredible husband.  Keeping the framework of “what if” it were my last night on the planet.  Well, if it was… I wanted to remember it as a beautiful thing. I sought to bask in the glow of the power of now.  It was everything I dreamed and more.

All this because a simple thought crossed my mind.  The “what if” possibility of a final chance at letting distractions fall away, of removing my to do list, of waving off my perceived sorrows.  Because if I wasn’t here tomorrow, then none of that would matter.  What mattered was right in front of me.  Loved ones, dear friends, family and the handful of hours we spent together.

I loved the feeling of seeing what was right in front of me, rather than what was dancing in my head, waving flags and pointing to fragments of life vying for my attention.  It was a joyous thing to have spent that time with those fabulous human beings.  So very intriguing as to why the thought crossed my mind.  And then, a few days later I realized something that riveted me in place. Surely not.  But yes… it was a truth and I was dumbfounded that I had let it slip by.  I never forget dates… never.  But this time I had…

October 20 was the night I went out and lived in the moment.  The realization of what that day represents hit me like a ton of bricks and the irony floored me.  You see, the date of October 20th is the day that my father died in 1987. More on that tomorrow….