Gone

siser

That pretty much sums it up…

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No Words

I don’t know why it is that people turn away when you struggle. It has been something I’ve seen in my lifetime, and it was hard because it was another person struggling. Struggling with dying of cancer, and she was lonely and alone. But people pull away for many reasons. My most surprised was when a couple of years back, I went through a very personal time of devastation. I prayed for death – a lot. So much so that I sometimes wonder if it’s too late to change my mind.  I’ve begged for relief one time too many. And it’s more like 1,000 times too many… I stumble. But mostly I just stay down. And no one ever looks for me there.

They say it is during difficult times that you learn who your true friends are. I more know that people are busy and stretched thin. They don’t mean to seem indifferent to your suffering. They’re just busy, too.  But I know one day I’ll be gone and it won’t make a hill of beans… much like it does not now.  There is no compassion or conversation. There is just alone. Pretending. Jane Jetson’s mask for my smile. Exhaustion. Isolation. You already know you don’t matter. But please prove it to me over and over.

I’m afraid of bailing. I mean, I want to and I don’t want to. But I’m literally afraid… because I know that it’s out of my hands.  I’m gonna SNAP. I know it. I have been trying to say so and to tell people, but no one hears my voice. It’s like I’m invisible.  And I already know that I do not belong here, so it’s that much harder to stay.  It was different though, when I was in charge of the decisions.  But I don’t have the energy anymore…. It’s a reflex. I was saddened and surprised and empty to see how much I could not force myself to care, and how much I could not control my actions.  That’s when I knew I was in trouble. I have tried to tell them that I don’t think I can be responsible for myself – inasmuch as I cannot control my mind or my agony. It’s the pain – when I lash out – and no one else even seems to know about the pain – much less how difficult it is to face daily… and nightly. I am so tired of spinning my wheels. I feel like some great cosmic hamster, and the spotlight is on me and when I fall off the wheel, everyone will laugh and laugh. It’s a maze with a series of long, tall walls that I can’t get past. Almost like they’re interactive and out to get me. Every avenue blocked. Every escape route nonexistent. Not an answer to be found. And if I could JUST disappear… like I never was… but of course I WAS. And because of that there are people to leave behind. And I know they care…. but they won’t know it until I’m gone.  I am telling you here that I cannot control it. I am afraid. I’m sad to leave it behind, but I just don’t belong here.  I am so alone. I’m like the last living elephant and no one speaks elephant anymore… There’s no one to talk to and I’m pretty sure there is nothing to say.  If they can’t hear you, why would you bother?

CUT! Retake! This time act like you mean it!

postcard_all_the_worlds_a_stage_shakespeare

It’s hard to be your best in a spontaneous moment.  We aren’t always thinking about our performance on life’s stage. We are thinking of survival in the moment.  We do not think of how others may feel. We think of our immediate motivation.

Recently I have been watching a drama unfold, and mentally screaming “NOOOOOOOO!!!” ..to no avail.  The hits just keep coming.  It’s similar to how we “lost” poor Jon Snow at the end of Season 5.  Alas, he’s but a character in a book, and of course on HBO.  But these “actors” I’m referring to on life’s stage are facing inevitable conclusions, set in motion by their own hands.  Like being on a train headed for a section where the track has been removed. The train WILL derail when it gets there.  I think I would have had to exit prior to then if given the opportunity.

We always have the opportunity to make changes, but the opportunity must be seized.  OPPORTUNITY DOESN’T KEEP KNOCKING!  We may be players on a world stage, but we are designing many of the scenes years in advance.  If you don’t like the scene you’re in, then it’s up to you to make the decisions and choices necessary to end up in a different scene.  But the time to make that change is NOW.

Choices matter.  They affect everyone around you.  Don’t kid yourself. You are choosing the scenes of your life tomorrow, with the actions you take today.

Chin up!

Some days it is hard to keep up a pretense.  Some days you get a burst of energy, and things look a wee bit brighter.  Hoping for a burst of something to smile at that will make it okay today.

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I leave it to the Universe to send a smile to us today.

Just breathing through the moments until the laughter sets in.

Hell Yeah! We’re Here!!!

Still here? Me, too!  Yay, us!

I have come to realize that there is more to Blue Moon Sisters than my original thought process allowed.  It has been frustrating to pretend that the waiting was good for me, but without it I may not have gotten the message of the rest of it.  I don’t mean to imply that I know exactly where I’m headed with it, but at least I know there is MORE.  More than I’d known and more than I’d dreamed.

I know everything works out.  It’s all good.  But being long on patience and short on action is a numbing cycle.  I’ve been kind of numb for a while, so perhaps that is why I didn’t notice it.  I think I’ve been treading water mentally and emotionally.  I’m still in the same spot, but I’m now tired of the same spot.  I’m tired of it, so I’m going to change it.  The pieces are falling into place. I’m glad they’ll be ready when I get the go ahead. It won’t be long now.

I hope everyone had a great weekend! Blessings for your Monday.

Brrrr…..

cold

Cold hands, warm heart. Um… okay.  How about just plain cold.  Hard to judge if someone’s hands are cold because of the weather or WHETHER it’s a sure sign that they have a warm heart.  I think it’s easy to discern which type of heart someone has.  It’s by their actions.

What many people do not realize is that even if they don’t know it, oftentimes their cold hearts are a subconscious decision that they accidentally made.  Think about it… We all know someone who has had a hard life, and by many accounts should be a miserable, mean, cold-hearted person. Yet they are anything but cold. They are warm and loving and fun and happy.  It’s because they realize the value of a lifetime. They understand that even if this is not the ideal life, it’s the only life they are going to get so they might as well LIVE and enjoy the life they have been given.  These people are held in such high esteem by me personally. I have been blessed many times over in life, yet still find myself sidetracked by negativity of my own mind.  I focus on the bad drive to work. I am annoyed by the headlines. I am saddened by humanity’s treatment of one another, and the notion that any of us are better than, or hold more value than someone else.  Ewww…  see?  I already am thinking how sucky that is.  But wait….

I am blessed. Yes, it’s a cold world.  Yes, people will hurt you. Yes, shit happens that you can’t change.  And you know what?  That’s okay. That is how life works.  Your job is to learn to be welcoming and warm to those you meet.  We need to learn to forgive those who hurt us, because they are just lashing out because THEY have been hurt.  That shit that just happened to hurt you?  Learn the lesson it brought you – even if you don’t like it.  That would be a waste of an opportunity.  We learn everyday.  Good, bad or ugly. We all learn and hopefully, we let it shape us in good ways.  With empathy and not apathy.  With hope and not despair. With right thinking rather than stinkin’ thinkin’ – which is all too easy to do.

I am blessed today by your presence.  I thank those who are on this journey with me.  I am grateful for the cold outside, because it gives me the opportunity to be warm on the outside to people who need warmth.  And I am so grateful for the warm people who love me.

It’s A Wonderful Life

breathe

Wow. I am tired. I wish this ride would stop. I really want off…

I look around and see what is going on, and I just want to bury my head in the sand.  All angles… It’s everywhere!  Can’t seem to catch a break.

I remember the movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, and realize that “this too shall pass” but there is no time table in sight.  I guess we each start over daily.  I would just like to make a better start.  I know it’s all good.  I’m just waiting to be able to see it. The good, that is.

I like to think they wouldn’t be better off without me, but proving it to them is a one time thing.  I’m not ready for that….  But we don’t always get to choose…