No Words

I don’t know why it is that people turn away when you struggle. It has been something I’ve seen in my lifetime, and it was hard because it was another person struggling. Struggling with dying of cancer, and she was lonely and alone. But people pull away for many reasons. My most surprised was when a couple of years back, I went through a very personal time of devastation. I prayed for death – a lot. So much so that I sometimes wonder if it’s too late to change my mind.  I’ve begged for relief one time too many. And it’s more like 1,000 times too many… I stumble. But mostly I just stay down. And no one ever looks for me there.

They say it is during difficult times that you learn who your true friends are. I more know that people are busy and stretched thin. They don’t mean to seem indifferent to your suffering. They’re just busy, too.  But I know one day I’ll be gone and it won’t make a hill of beans… much like it does not now.  There is no compassion or conversation. There is just alone. Pretending. Jane Jetson’s mask for my smile. Exhaustion. Isolation. You already know you don’t matter. But please prove it to me over and over.

I’m afraid of bailing. I mean, I want to and I don’t want to. But I’m literally afraid… because I know that it’s out of my hands.  I’m gonna SNAP. I know it. I have been trying to say so and to tell people, but no one hears my voice. It’s like I’m invisible.  And I already know that I do not belong here, so it’s that much harder to stay.  It was different though, when I was in charge of the decisions.  But I don’t have the energy anymore…. It’s a reflex. I was saddened and surprised and empty to see how much I could not force myself to care, and how much I could not control my actions.  That’s when I knew I was in trouble. I have tried to tell them that I don’t think I can be responsible for myself – inasmuch as I cannot control my mind or my agony. It’s the pain – when I lash out – and no one else even seems to know about the pain – much less how difficult it is to face daily… and nightly. I am so tired of spinning my wheels. I feel like some great cosmic hamster, and the spotlight is on me and when I fall off the wheel, everyone will laugh and laugh. It’s a maze with a series of long, tall walls that I can’t get past. Almost like they’re interactive and out to get me. Every avenue blocked. Every escape route nonexistent. Not an answer to be found. And if I could JUST disappear… like I never was… but of course I WAS. And because of that there are people to leave behind. And I know they care…. but they won’t know it until I’m gone.  I am telling you here that I cannot control it. I am afraid. I’m sad to leave it behind, but I just don’t belong here.  I am so alone. I’m like the last living elephant and no one speaks elephant anymore… There’s no one to talk to and I’m pretty sure there is nothing to say.  If they can’t hear you, why would you bother?

Keep Your Eyes on the Road

Follow-Your-Heart-Sign

This morning as I drove to work, I saw a sign on a pasture fence that read, “Now Boarding, Equestrian Facility” or something like that. I drive by it every day. There are horses in the pasture, with barn type buildings in the distance. It’s beautiful and peaceful.

As I glanced over, I thought to myself, “I can’t wait until I can afford to have horses.” And as I glanced back at the road, I heard the sound of my tires hitting the grids from the road’s edge notifying me that I was drifting left, onto the shoulder. I quickly corrected, and thought to myself, “Stay on the road.” And it seemed that was the answer to my mental thought. Someday I’ll have horses. Yeah… okay… just stay on the road you’re on. No time for horses.

I firmly believe that one day my road will lead to a horse or a horse farm, where a few horses can graze on green grass, safe from slaughter.  Even if they are just pasture ornaments – that’s fine with me. I do believe that will happen – but I do not see a means to that end right now. My hands are full, and kind of bound by the present moment. I can only keep doing what I am doing. Continuing on the road I’m on. My chosen path. The one that leads to me.

I can’t wait until I can afford to have horses. But it looks like wait, I will.

For The Love of Money….

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I don’t know why it is, but I don’t care about money.  I am happy to help out where I can if someone needs money, even to my own detriment.  But the truth is, I am not about money. And maybe that’s why I don’t have any. LOL!

The money will come. It always does.

The money will go. It always does.

In the meantime, this is a great tune to dance to… so I’m gonna do that…

Have a beautiful day. Money or not.

Peace.

Once upon a time, there was a crazy girl…

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…and she found herself in the middle of a swirl of unexpected things.  She tried to muddle through. She kept moving her feet, and the rest of her, but she seemed to be getting nowhere.  Since this wasn’t working, she decided to stop moving her feet, and the rest of her, and just BE.

Whatever would come, would come.  And she would deal with it then.  In the meantime, she decided to back away slowly and keep her head down.  Self preservation is important. Serenity is important. Mindfulness is important.  So she decided to move slowly and wait for everything to fall into place… like it always does. She was so grateful she remembered that part.

And then she felt better.

The Beginning

Ready to run away??

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Sounds like a good option sometimes. Especially when things are coming at you faster than you can duck.  You just want it to stop, to go away, to disappear.  And that’s what I want.. I want all this shit to go away.  But it won’t. …and I won’t either.

As hard as things are right now, and they are pretty freaking sucky, I don’t want to run away. I want to stand and face the fire. Because there is no one else to do this.  This mountain of bullshit that is right in front of me is not going away. I’m going to have to shovel that shit.  Yes, the whole fabulous mountain of it.  And know what?  I’m gonna.

This thing is not going away.  If I want it to disappear, I’m going to have to do the work.  And I want to do the work! Because I can’t leave it like it is, and there is no one else.  And someone has to do it. And I know that I can.  I want to see what it looks like without the mountain.

Mountain-Free. It’s what I’m gonna be.

Cheers.
Here’s to mountains, surmountable and otherwise.
Here’s to peace, found on the other side.

I’m not running away…

There are people who need me… ❤ and I love them…

CUT! Retake! This time act like you mean it!

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It’s hard to be your best in a spontaneous moment.  We aren’t always thinking about our performance on life’s stage. We are thinking of survival in the moment.  We do not think of how others may feel. We think of our immediate motivation.

Recently I have been watching a drama unfold, and mentally screaming “NOOOOOOOO!!!” ..to no avail.  The hits just keep coming.  It’s similar to how we “lost” poor Jon Snow at the end of Season 5.  Alas, he’s but a character in a book, and of course on HBO.  But these “actors” I’m referring to on life’s stage are facing inevitable conclusions, set in motion by their own hands.  Like being on a train headed for a section where the track has been removed. The train WILL derail when it gets there.  I think I would have had to exit prior to then if given the opportunity.

We always have the opportunity to make changes, but the opportunity must be seized.  OPPORTUNITY DOESN’T KEEP KNOCKING!  We may be players on a world stage, but we are designing many of the scenes years in advance.  If you don’t like the scene you’re in, then it’s up to you to make the decisions and choices necessary to end up in a different scene.  But the time to make that change is NOW.

Choices matter.  They affect everyone around you.  Don’t kid yourself. You are choosing the scenes of your life tomorrow, with the actions you take today.