No Words

I don’t know why it is that people turn away when you struggle. It has been something I’ve seen in my lifetime, and it was hard because it was another person struggling. Struggling with dying of cancer, and she was lonely and alone. But people pull away for many reasons. My most surprised was when a couple of years back, I went through a very personal time of devastation. I prayed for death – a lot. So much so that I sometimes wonder if it’s too late to change my mind.  I’ve begged for relief one time too many. And it’s more like 1,000 times too many… I stumble. But mostly I just stay down. And no one ever looks for me there.

They say it is during difficult times that you learn who your true friends are. I more know that people are busy and stretched thin. They don’t mean to seem indifferent to your suffering. They’re just busy, too.  But I know one day I’ll be gone and it won’t make a hill of beans… much like it does not now.  There is no compassion or conversation. There is just alone. Pretending. Jane Jetson’s mask for my smile. Exhaustion. Isolation. You already know you don’t matter. But please prove it to me over and over.

I’m afraid of bailing. I mean, I want to and I don’t want to. But I’m literally afraid… because I know that it’s out of my hands.  I’m gonna SNAP. I know it. I have been trying to say so and to tell people, but no one hears my voice. It’s like I’m invisible.  And I already know that I do not belong here, so it’s that much harder to stay.  It was different though, when I was in charge of the decisions.  But I don’t have the energy anymore…. It’s a reflex. I was saddened and surprised and empty to see how much I could not force myself to care, and how much I could not control my actions.  That’s when I knew I was in trouble. I have tried to tell them that I don’t think I can be responsible for myself – inasmuch as I cannot control my mind or my agony. It’s the pain – when I lash out – and no one else even seems to know about the pain – much less how difficult it is to face daily… and nightly. I am so tired of spinning my wheels. I feel like some great cosmic hamster, and the spotlight is on me and when I fall off the wheel, everyone will laugh and laugh. It’s a maze with a series of long, tall walls that I can’t get past. Almost like they’re interactive and out to get me. Every avenue blocked. Every escape route nonexistent. Not an answer to be found. And if I could JUST disappear… like I never was… but of course I WAS. And because of that there are people to leave behind. And I know they care…. but they won’t know it until I’m gone.  I am telling you here that I cannot control it. I am afraid. I’m sad to leave it behind, but I just don’t belong here.  I am so alone. I’m like the last living elephant and no one speaks elephant anymore… There’s no one to talk to and I’m pretty sure there is nothing to say.  If they can’t hear you, why would you bother?

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