Apart

I know you’re out there
I can feel you
How long can you hide

Will you return
when you’re better
when you’re together
when you’re ready
before it’s too late?

It will never be too late for me
and you
You haunt me lately
you and your lack of “hereness”
And I think of you when I write poetry
I, who am not a poet
and you
who are

you who are gone
from me
from us
from the ones who really cared
in our own
ways
all ways
always

And I wonder about you
If you will be well
If you will get well
If you will… well….

you know.

I thought of you on Mother’s Day
and of him
on Mother’s Day
of him… without you.

I can’t know why
But I like to think
It’s because
You know it’s best
That you will one day return
Triumphant
Like the sun
Shining
and ready
to live
and love
and be loved
even though you always were
and are
loved.

I wish I could fix your head
and your heart
and your wiring, which is twisted, and frayed
and seriously short circuited.  I wish many things.
Wish.  Many things.  At different times.
Always trying to fix you.
Not my job.  But my desire.  Unfulfilled.  Impossible.  Empty.

I wish for you great love.
I wish for you sanity.
I wish for you acceptance.

Acceptance of your plight.  Acceptance of your fight, and your might.
and your ability to overcome, if you only believe, as i do

in you.

Your heart is so big
and in so many pieces
just
plain
dust.
You must find a glue, an elixir, a salve, a balm
stir it all together
and shape the emulsion
into a star
because you are
one.

Someday I hope to see you shine.
Before I die, someday I long
to see you shine.
and smile.
and be the little girl
that I so loved
that I so love
that i miss so very much.

… until then, you remain
in my heart,
my heart,
you are.

Please see your unique beauty.  Your broken beauty.  On the inside.
The outside doesn’t matter.
Your beautiful outside
doesn’t matter
because your insides are hidden from you.

You refuse to see the beauty and the good.
See the beauty.
And the good.
And accept that you are meant to shine.
But not for me
Not for me.
For you.

Until then.
Until when.
I remain.
We remain
apart.

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2 thoughts on “Apart

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